i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
