i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
