Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
