my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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