Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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