You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
