I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I booty called her while she was in labor.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
