The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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