Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
