This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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