Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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