Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
