Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize