I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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