Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
