He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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