i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
birth control should be required to get into college
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
