I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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