So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
