Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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