she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize