The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Randomize
