Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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