she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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