i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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