Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Why is there bacon in the couch?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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