Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
