I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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