I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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