I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
