I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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