Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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