I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
