So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
