You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
