"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I met the friendliest cop last night
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
