mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
