You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize