So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
