your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
