If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
