I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
