I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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