Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
