He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
