When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
