I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
