I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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