Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
