The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
