2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
