oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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