I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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