I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
