I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
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