you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
