When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
