it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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