You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Randomize
