Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
