Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
We named our party play list daddy issues
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Randomize
